Loookit Tammai!!!!

Took my crossbody to the beach!   Mega fanks luv.

(this will be you soon!)  

(...uh, I mean sitting on the beach. You'll be sitting on the beach. Not that you'll be a bag soon.)

wtf is going on?

Here you go, another sign of the apocalypse. People are FREAKING out over little things.

Maybe it's the moon, or the way animals sense danger and adjust their behavior. Maybe the human race, on some level, is innately aware of our impending doom and the behavioral reaction is to kill each other over food.  ...naturally.

WAIT, that makes perfect sense!!! Food sources are one of the most brawled over issues in the animal kingdom. That and mating. So the closer the apocalypse gets, the weirder people will get about sammiches and humping. AH HA.

Well, now that I've solved that one, maybe I'll just go cure cancer.


Here are the news stories to back up my theorem. aka-"scientific research"
ffft, who needs a master's degree.

Man Shot For Eating Popcorn Too Loudly

Shot. For chewing loudly during the end of Black Swan.
Man, if she doesn't win the Oscar, this guy kinda died in vain.   No pressure.

Maple Syrup Throwdown

The most recent in what apparently, happens more often than you think: fist fighting at Denny's.
(Please note how nobody steps in to break up the fight, yet several people move back so they can film it: self preservation! or just the decline of a civilized society.)

Man Shot Over French Fries

Wellll, fries might be worth dying for....I'm undecided on this one.
I mean really, all fresh and salty and crispy.  Oh man.  Fries or death!

Meh.

You know what, I was way more excited for this before I saw the dresses.
I don't think these really were the strongest pieces.

Target GO Designer Dresses         ......thoughts?

I guess if I were going to get one, I'd get this Jovovich Hawk. Since I'm a California hippie now.

EVERYBODY STAY CALM OKAY??!!! NOBODY FREAK OUT!!!!!

In further End-of-the-World news, we are being told not to panic over the massive solar flare expected to reach Earth today and tomorrow. Pretty much it'll just screw up your phone, they say. Full moon, solar flares, Grammy reporters speaking in tongues. Writing's on the wall, people.

You know why they're telling us not to panic??? I'll tell you why. Cuz what's the point of panic in the face of CERTAIN DEATH. (Because it feels good mostly.) Tammy's right. If a solar flare can kill off the headlining, multi-million dollar earning star of a doomsday film, it won't think two bits about burning you to a crisp. That's right, you don't have near the film pedigree and pop culture sway of somebody like Cage.  So you might wanna run up that credit card now on whatever ridiculous shit you would never buy otherwise, cuz this could be it.

I'll give you some suggestions for End of the World Party Funtime! purchases:

            Light Cycle!!!
 At $55,000 (which you won't have to pay back when the Earth no longer exists) this is a steal!
                          Come on. Who doesn't want one of these.

      Jetpack!!!!
Won't have to worry about those student loans with the planet's fiery demise nigh. Invest instead in this Jetpack by the Martin Aircraft Company, for the low, low price of $75,000!

     Swank Burger!!!
Eat a $5,000 burger at the Fleur restaurant of Mandalay Bay Resort in Vegas. And then enjoy the strange irony of pooping it out. :/

   Door Stop!???

      $3,500 Concrete door stop? What the hell, you're toast anyway.

Disclaimer: If the world does not in fact implode/explode/burn up/vaporize/crumble, the authors of this blog are not liable for your credit card debt after you made these stupid, stupid purchases.  But call us anyway, cuz we wanna try out your new Light Cycle.

Holy Balls.

My word. Have you seen this???? Model Andrej Pejic. Is all over the runways, is in lots of print campaigns, is skinny and beautiful, is.... a dude?

                    Yeah. That's a dude.

This is some head exploding androgyny. I totally thought he was a girl.

But then, I thought this was a girl at first too:

Paging Nicolas Cage

Among the varying intellectual topics Diana and I dwell upon (Ukrainian sex slavery, yarnbombing, zombies and falling runway models to name a few), there is one topic that consistently captures our attention (read: paralyzes us with fear and leads to a terrifying flurry of what-if scenarios which then remind us that we are seriously ill-prepared for any kind of catastrophe) -- the end o' the world. There, I've said it. Diana and I are total doomsdayers.

So naturally whenever any indication of the end arises I am compelled to share it with her so that I can have a like-minded worrywart validate my fears. And I use the word "indication" loosely here. I might come across a news story about a shortage of avocados and begin to conclude that the end is nigh. But not today, my friends! Today is a day that surely has doomsdayers all over the world abuzz...the sun is exploding!!

Okay, so it's not really exploding. But NASA has reported a huge solar flare that is causing the disruption of satellite and radio signals in China. And to the average person that might seem to be inconsequential news, but for a person who recently watched Knowing with Nicolas Cage, it's a little frightening. And the scariest part is that not even Nicolas Cage can save us from solar flares. They will penetrate our atmosphere and sweep across the world, one big city at a time, completely obliterating everything, even celebrities (note: aliens might save the children, but don't count on it). And you can't even ride out the storm in an underground bunker because the radiation will reach several hundred miles into the earth's crust.

SO, there you have it - your daily sign of the apocolypse. But stay tuned because birds are still haplessly falling from the sky, the Middle East is in turmoil and the US is experiencing severe and erratic weather systems.

The humanity!!!

OH Friend Tammy! Woe. Woe is me! Listen for all the good, funny stuff we share, I miss sharing those not so good feelings. (that sounds odd, but you know what i mean)

I'm having one of those moments where I would normally swoop into your cubicle and tell you that the world is an unfair, illogical place and our existences are nonsensical and what does it all mean??!!!

Yes, I got sucked into a PBS special again...... about sex trafficking in eastern Europe.

It's horrible. HORRIBLE. The world is so full of unpunished evil and unspeakable acts. And how can things be so uneven that some people are buying $20,000 purses while others can't afford to feed their families??? If nature balances itself, how is humanity so imbalanced?

These poor, poor girls. They're so destroyed by evil people, and yet some of them return to it because they need money for their families. And all I could think, looking at these Ukranian girls was...."I have too many jeans!!!!"

I mean, they have so little, and I have all this....I have like, 20 pairs of jeans! What do I need with 20 pairs of jeans when people are dying and starving and being sold??? What is the point of this? We are so fragile and there is so much evil in the world? People are suffering-SUFFERING and I am worried about the split ends in my hair. OHGOD I'm a horrible person! I'm so selfish and materialistic and I don't do anything to help people in need and ......ooh, my new Vogue is here.

Yarnbombing?!??

Whaaa???? Did you KNOW about this??? Am I living under a rock still, how do I miss these things?

First of all, let me get this out of the way: Tammy. I can't believe you are reading Harry Potter. I expected more from you.  Nono, i'm just kidding. I know they're probably great books, that's why everybody loves them. But at this point, I think I'm the last person on the planet who hasn't read them (now that you're out of the running) and I've held out so long that now I feel I should continue to resist it on principle, and I'm hoping to make the Guinness book for this accomplishment. Viva la resistance!!!

Alright, so check this out. Guerilla knitting.   I know right?! Brillyant!!!!

This artist Olek managed to cover the Wall Street bull in a giant knitted cozy. Beeyutiful!

                                                       Read the story hyah: Olek's Bull


Here are some more good examples:

Check out these pics with some more sweet yarnbombing HYAH!

              ...und HYEAAH!: CrochetGuevara.com
                      (THAT is a brillyant name. we should have thought of that.)


Furthermore and lastly. This pic is from the site Yarnbombing.com.
I take it they are innocently trying to show you how to knit a "cap" for a traffic barrier, but I am sorry, it looks like a wang.

Am I wrong???

Okay, FINE! But I'm not going to any conventions.

Disclaimer: Diana is the artist. Maybe she will someday grace you with the wonderous beauty of her artwork, but for now all you have are my shitty stick people.

So, I did it. Something anyone who knows me would never believe to be true (no, I haven't succumbed to seafood or scaled backward down a skyscraper). And I might be fourteen years or so behind the bandwagon; but nevertheless, I've started reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. GASP!

And yes, I've made fun of Harry Potter dorks for as long as they've existed. So shoot me. Someone out there has to admit that from the outset, Potterheads (I'm assuming that is what they call themselves, no?) were an interesting-looking bunch. I remember seeing news footage of adults lined up for the first movie's premiere dressed in all sorts of age-inappropriate things and nerd glasses and broomsticks and other weird whatnots, and that must've been the exact moment where I decided that I was waaay too cool for that nonsense. To be fair however, I'm not really that cool, it's just that my nerd allegiance lies elsewhere. More on that later.

So here I am on page 83. A young Harry and Hagrid are going to buy his first wand. I'll pause here to give fanatics a moment to revisit this magical beginning (I'm guessing they look upon this moment as something equivalent to losing their virginity or falling in love). Are you done now? .

My early, early review is that it's going to be a good read. Duh. Billions of dollars and like twelve movies later, no one needs my review to qualify that. And I should note that as I'm writing this, a visitor stopped by. When I told her what I was writing and that I had just started reading the series, I got an "ohhh my god, you haven't read Harry Potter?!" reaction. Actually, I haven't divulged my dirty little secret to many people yet, mostly in part because that's the response I'm expecting to hear over and over again. But also in part because, as I said earlier, my nerd allegiance lies elsewhere - in the world of vampires and zombies - and I was worried people would begin to think I've gone soft. For years I've been loyal to the likes of Buffy and Bram Stoker and I've put off the wizard and witch phenomenon for fear of betrayal. (Sidenote: I just finished reading Price and Prejudice and Zombies and I loved it. It totally renewed my love for brain-eating corpses. And as soon as I'm done reading the Harry Potter books, I'm going to read Wuthering Bites. Sounds like I'm going to be in need of some good ol' fashioned non-fiction reading when all is said and done!)

ANYWAY, I can't really jump the gun here; after all, I've got like 4092 pages left to read (there are 4175 pages in the series. It's true, I googled it). But there is a blooming possibility that there may be room in my life for vampires and zombies AND wizards to coexist peacefully. Maybe.

January showers bring February flowers?????

Well, it's February. So in the retail world that means spring stuff should be hitting stores. OBviously since there's a blizzard pounding the Midwest, everybody will be layering up to trudge out to buy bottled water, batteries and pastel colored shorts. 

Now that I live in California, I can actually fathom buying spring things in February as I can actually wear them some time in the next 6 months. 

Sidebar: Let me tell you Midwestern friends a little story about California "spring". So the man and I wanted to have some plants around our place to make it look purty, but we have a lot of shady areas. So. We went to the garden center to buy plants (late January mind you) and asked if they had Hostas, for our shady spots. "Oh no nono." they said, "naturally, since it's winter, they are dormant right now."  Blinking in disbelief, as I stood in the sunny 68 degree weather, looking to my left at an Orange tree bearing fruit.....I managed to play it cool like I understood and mustered up an "oh, of course. Naturally."

SO. They told us the Hostas should be available in a couple weeks.  A couple weeks. So....what you're saying is, spring is in a couple weeks?

And at this point, my Michigander brain exploded all over the ceramic pots and shrubberies.

I am still not fully understanding "winter" in California.

So all that is to say, I am ready for spring clothes. And you Tammy, remember what happened to me last spring. I got this insatiable craving to buy floral printed EVERYthing. I became like, this, floral buying monster. RRRRRRROOOOAAAAAARRRR MUST HAVE FLORAAALSSS!!! YARRRGH!

And so it begins again. And I bought these shoes. For $24!!!

And I don't have to wait four more months to wear them.

Thank you California.

Thank you Forever 21.....or really, thank you China.                   Forever 21

Everything is coming up Zombie

The most disturbing, delicious-looking thing I've ever laid eyes on.

You Want Funnies? No Problem. We delivery.

Greetings from the snow repository formerly known as Wisconsin! My first post was going to include the story about how Diana and I met in Campeche in the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico where she was a struggling street artist and where I was stuck after betting my return airfare on a chicken fight, but that's really quite boring and I haven't much else to say about it.

Diana has already done a stellar job covering the basics, two coasts, blahblah, megabrain, brilliance, blah. Also noteworthy: We're both Aquarians (although a recent internet phenomenon has suggested our astrological signs changed overnight somehow), we both enjoy things that are funny and we have a shared interest in creativity. Diana, as you may already know, is an amazing arteest. She even has an art degree from the prestigious online academy known as Bob's Art School. Fancy, eh?

Well blogospherians, we're glad you've found us. We hope to entertain you the way we've been entertaining ourselves for a few years now and share with you some tidbits of awesomeness from our daily lives. Like the picture above, for example. Found that gem on my way home from work yesterday.

The gift that gives, then dies.

Oh man, this is brilliant. I wish I had the cojones to send these to someone. This company specializes in bouquets of dead/dying flowers, perfect for sending a message without going all the way to burning bag of dog poop on the porch, or dead trout under the car seat. This is much classier.


                                    Dirty Rotten Flowers

I do feel a little bad for this teddy bear, so I'm telling myself he was an evil teddy bear.

Is ther a doctor all up in hurr?

I also needed to tell you Tammy that my eye twitch is back.

Dear readers, you may not know this about Tammy, but she is a doctor.  Ok, well, maybe not doctor, but Medical Diagnostic Expert perhaps.

She doesn't have one of those fancypants "medical degrees", but i'll tell you what she does have: Google.    ....Google and an extraordinary ability to recognize fatal symptoms in any otherwise potentially benign situation.  Armed with WebMD, Google image, and her paranoia for the medical worst-case-scenario she has helped me realize, many many times that cancer is most definitely eating away at my body. Most of the time it turns out to just be gas. But whatever, she really tries.

(Also please note: we discovered that if you Google image search ANY medical condition, it will miraculously populate the absolute most disgusting image available on the entire interwebs. Well played Google image masterminds, well played indeed.)

(ADDItionally: I was going to post a photo b/c pictures speak volumes, but you see I Google image searched "eye twitch" and got a pic of some kind of maggot looking thing being pulled out of a guy's eye with tweezers.       I rest my case.    Instead of that pic, I will leave you with the cutest thing i can possibly find.   ...you're welcome.)

                                                       http://babaavenue.blogspot.com/2009/04/baby-animals.html

INTERWEBS ACTIVATE!!!

Why hello there 21st century....what's that? EVERYbody blogs???? But who reads all this crap? (crickets chirping) ... Ah yes. That's what I thought.

Well just in case, if you are reading this....don't be fooled by the birdies and the pretty letters....sometimes we are crass and pervy and have dirty sailors' mouths.

Listen, I am a girl (Diana) who has a friend (Tammy). We were torn apart by the fates when I recently moved from the Midwest to sunny California. I miss her lots, but mostly what I miss is having her around to share stuff everyday like, 'check out this spread in Vogue' or Celebrity Deathwatch or 'please check out my butt in these pants and lie to me about how it looks', y'know: the important stuff.

So when I see something cool or funny I want to share with her I feel bummed cuz she's not around. :( muhh. Ok internets! Do your thing!!!!

Here is a place for us to continue our relationshippal* needs, and I thought it might be interesting to keep it on a blog- for posterity or scientific research on weirdos or something.

Mostly I think this will be for us, but if somebody out there wants to take a peek out of morbid curiosity or to laugh at us, hey, that's cool. (But check this out, we will not be telling you what kind of sammich we are eating or what we watched last night on tv because you don't give a shit about that kind of crap, as well you shouldn't. Unless it's like a Yak Ball Sammich or something cool like that.)

*Please note: We have invented several words as we are geniuses and are constantly inventing things. Try to keep up, ok?