EVERYBODY STAY CALM OKAY??!!! NOBODY FREAK OUT!!!!!

In further End-of-the-World news, we are being told not to panic over the massive solar flare expected to reach Earth today and tomorrow. Pretty much it'll just screw up your phone, they say. Full moon, solar flares, Grammy reporters speaking in tongues. Writing's on the wall, people.

You know why they're telling us not to panic??? I'll tell you why. Cuz what's the point of panic in the face of CERTAIN DEATH. (Because it feels good mostly.) Tammy's right. If a solar flare can kill off the headlining, multi-million dollar earning star of a doomsday film, it won't think two bits about burning you to a crisp. That's right, you don't have near the film pedigree and pop culture sway of somebody like Cage.  So you might wanna run up that credit card now on whatever ridiculous shit you would never buy otherwise, cuz this could be it.

I'll give you some suggestions for End of the World Party Funtime! purchases:

            Light Cycle!!!
 At $55,000 (which you won't have to pay back when the Earth no longer exists) this is a steal!
                          Come on. Who doesn't want one of these.

      Jetpack!!!!
Won't have to worry about those student loans with the planet's fiery demise nigh. Invest instead in this Jetpack by the Martin Aircraft Company, for the low, low price of $75,000!

     Swank Burger!!!
Eat a $5,000 burger at the Fleur restaurant of Mandalay Bay Resort in Vegas. And then enjoy the strange irony of pooping it out. :/

   Door Stop!???

      $3,500 Concrete door stop? What the hell, you're toast anyway.

Disclaimer: If the world does not in fact implode/explode/burn up/vaporize/crumble, the authors of this blog are not liable for your credit card debt after you made these stupid, stupid purchases.  But call us anyway, cuz we wanna try out your new Light Cycle.